Where is Anna?
By Denise C. Perritt
Randolph-Macon Parent
(News from the Nest, Winter 2010)
Being a parent is a joy. Watching my daughter grow and change is both exciting and heartwarming. For example, last year in March it snowed. I woke up excited about letting Anna know she need not get ready to go to school because it had snowed. Then I remembered Anna is not across the hall in her bed. She is at Randolph-Macon.
When she was younger I always looked forward to hearing her say: “Oh boy!” in response to learning it had snowed and there would be no school for the day. The phone would ring and her friend, Lindsay, from next door would say, “Is Anna up yet?” Then the fun would begin. A day of sledding, building snowmen and trying to get the girls in long enough to feed them some warm food while their ski pants, jackets, hats, and gloves thumped around in the dryer.
Anna is a junior now and, although I know that logistically, in my heart she is still my curly headed snow baby. I know this because she called me last year to say, “Mom, I am in college and I have a snow day!” To which I replied, “I am in college and I have a snow day too!” (I am a professor at JMU, which also closed for the day).
Some things change while others stay the same. I try to keep this in mind because it helps me work through the emptiness I feel without having Anna at home. Her physical presence has changed (i.e. she is not living at home daily), but our connectedness is the same. We shared it in our snow day moment last year. We share it in many such moments, which is the nature of our relationship. It is changing. It is heartfelt. It is sometimes stressful as we both have ideas about connectedness, which sometimes differ. I crave more connected moments within which we share joys and disappointments, while sometimes Anna prefers less as she strives to be responsible and independent. We are still learning that balance, but have come a long way during the three years she has been “on her own.”
Anna really is on her own and it has taken me some time to fully recognize this, not that I thought she would not handle the transition and responsibility well, rather I did not think it would happen so quickly. I thought when she left for her freshman year she would be gone until Thanksgiving then home again for Christmas, J-term break, spring break and finally, the mother-load, summer. I can handle this I remember telling myself. The longest stretch between visits will be fall semester and Anna needs that time to adjust to college life. “Life is good.” If I can make it through to Thanksgiving, I will be okay. It will be a few weeks between visits all spring and then we will have the summer together. This was my thinking. Gosh, I was naïve. Meanwhile, my intelligent, energetic and now independent daughter had different plans.
One phone call the spring of her freshmen year quickly reminded me, not only is Anna not across the hall in her room, she oftentimes is not even in the Commonwealth (she has been to London twice since enrolling at R-MC). Anna called quite excitedly to share she found a wonderful job, which would pay her well and allow her to be in a fun harbor town in Maine all summer. Gosh, I was excited for her, but boy did my heart ache. There went the mother-load of time with which I had been placating myself through the school year. Gone in a moment. One of those connected moments. Anna was excited and wanted to share the news. I needed to be excited too, but my heart was hurting and I wanted to say, “I want to have fun with you this summer. I want us to have a family vacation this summer. I want, I want….” but this is not about me and what I want. This is Anna’s life. Anna’s time to fulfill her dreams, aspirations, goals, heart’s desire and, this is what I raised her to be able to do…maybe it is about me. Maybe it is about how I continue to support, encourage, facilitate and step away now to watch Anna in her lead role (she is a drama major) exploring, changing, and living her life. Being a parent is a joy…and a privilege.